Preguntas en la oración

I've been missing my church... never EVER would have thought I'd say those words... but I find that whenever it wanders into my mind, the sermons give me exactly what I need. I thought the FoCO one posted its sermons online, so I went on a search. They don't. I was sad. Instead, I found a podcast from a church of the same faith in San Francisco. The following is a list of sentences, thoughts and things I wanted to remember from a podcast that was, as I said, exactly what I needed.

"How to Pray Without Being Religious" - 1st Unitarian Universalist Society of San Francisco

"Praying" by Mary Oliver

It doesn't have to be

 the blue iris, it could be

weeds in a vacant lot, or a few 

small stones; just 

pay attention, then patch 

a few words together and don't try

to make them elaborate, this isn't 

a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which

another voice may speak.

When asked to whom to Buddhists pray, the Zen Buddhist monk replied this way:

The one who prays and the one prayed to are two realities that cannot be separated from each other. This is basic Buddhism and I am quite sure that in every religion there are those who have practiced for a long time who have this understanding.God is us and we are God. The one who bows and the one who is bowed to are both, by nature empty. Therefore the communication between us is inexpressibly perfect. 

Likewise the prayers of Native Americans are not always directed to a specific deity being or invisible spirit. Instead prayer is often invoked vaguely, say the spirit of a tree or river.

The whole of creation is alive with spirit, the breath of life, with the divine impulse. Why pray to a distant creator when the spirit of life is at your fingertips? or even in your fingertips? When your very heart beats with the force of life? Rivers and trees in the ground often make more sense than deities above the clouds. 

Words from some Christian on prayer:

A reflection on the depths of life. As a way of giving thought and voice to ultimate concerns. And a measure of what we take seriously without any reservation. Those who know about depth, know about God.

Still there are those who consider prayer a conversation with God.

Instead, I pray to seek the deepest ground of my being so as to gain a personal experience of the deepest truths of life and death, and of faith and truth.

• Prayer precipitates action. 1 act of social justice is worth 70 years of prayer. (Koran)
• I cannot maintain a balanced life if I am feeding the hungry but starving my own soul.
• Three questions to answer a problem: What do I know? What does it mean? Then, what do I do?
• Approach that question prayerfully. Don't be afraid to pray. Especially when it's the only thing left to do
• Prayer is mostly silence.
• The voices in our heads can justify just about anything.

"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer."

A guide to PRAY

• P- praise - offer gratitude, for all that I have, for all that I am. 
• R- "repent" (to turn around)/ relieve - to look for forgiveness, acknowledge my fallibility, encourage making amends
• A - ask - advocate for those who are in need or those you simply care about; name those who get on your nerves, and pray so you can experience their divinity, pray for the causes you believe in, your church, your planet. 
• Y - yourself - introspection and self-care, laugh, weep, complain, call myself to live on higher ground... see what it is hiding behind your reflection. with practice these two selves will merge

Our work is loving the world, accomplished by "mostly standing still and learning to be amazed." - Mary Oliver

Take the time today to be amazed by the world every day. Call on that which you already have to become who you already are.

http://www.learnoutloud.com/podcaststream/listen.php?url=http://www.uusf.org/AboutUUSF/SermonArchive/RSS/UUSF_Sermons.xml&all=1&title=20061

"How to Pray Without Being Religous"

Dude. I feel like I can only be so productive for so long.

This week (meaning yesterday and the day before), instead of Facebooking, I did the following:

1. Responded to all needed response emails. 
2. Emailed Ann (2 weeks late... but finally)
3. Went to campus and got myself back into a Spanish class. 
4. Went to said Spanish class (or the end of it) to figure out what my homework is for tomorrow.
5. Finished my AmeriCorps app and applied for 10 positions or so. 
6. Have been in daily contact with one of the AmeriCorps volunteers in Fort Lupton, trying to narrow down my options for when I come home.
7. Thought, too much, daily. 
8. Blogged a lot. 
9. Read the NYTimes every day.
10. Talked a lot with my hermanita.
11. Finished and submitted my Tulane application. 
12. Accepted and turned in some of the paperwork for UC EH. 
13. Practically finished my FAFSA (there's one part that I need my dad for and he hasn't gotten back to me yet)
14. Brushed & flossed my teeth every night before bed. 
15. Watched 2 movies (Mrs. Frisby & the Rats of NIMH) and (The Phantom Tollbooth) -- both based off books I loved as a child. 
16. Today, I went to work, carrying my laptop, mind you, in the SWELTERING heat, grabbed the rest of sector 1, and came back here just in time to resume my normal few hours of whatever before I go to el Centro to meet up with Ricardo to chat about his CO experience. 
17. Spent a lot of time reflecting on when I should go home. And the more I think about it, the more I think it should be May.
18. Finally emailed JJ back.
19. Listened to a really impactful sermon from a branch of my faith in San Fran

Okay. REALLY!? 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/19/us/huge-blast-at-texas-fertilizer-plant.html?pagewanted=1&_r=0&hp

I GET IT! I'M WORKING ON IT. ENOUGH. DISASTERS. THANK. YOU.

Yeah, that's very self-oriented. I guess disasters are kind of a daily occurrence in war, in the world. So I might as well stop being surprised by them and just make sure to try to understand what happened in an effort to learn from the horrid.

This particular one is of interest to me because it's in my field. Likely the fault of the company, who did not have an appropriate emergency response plan, clearly did not inform their volunteer firefighters nor the officials of the danger. It also appears that OSHA might have been aware of suspicious operations with ammonia, as early as the 80's, but with it's severe cuts and limitations, overlooked this small plant in this small town in this small part of TX. 

Bah. There's only so much we can do, right? 

From the article, it sounds like the town is taking care of its own. For those who lost loved ones, homes and the feeling of safety, I send my thoughts.

~~

Was Hell created by God? Who "damns" people to go there?

~~

OHMYGOD THIS CHALLENGE SUCKS. I reallllly want to get on just so I can waste time. Bahhhhh. 

Babear

In my effort to avoid Facebook... I came across this gem:

Simply surfing the still depressing NYTimes, I saw this picture... and practically started salivating. (Is that a normal response to see someone in an uncomfortably bulky white suit, lemon yellow boots and latex gloves? latex gloves!!) Alllso, can we just appreciate that first sentence? #soproud #unintentional

I would seriously look forward to the days when Ampe would yell, "Noops, Alex, let's go!" and I would be left in the dust while scrambling to load up on safety gear: steal toed boots, my latex gloves, eye goggles and boom. - running, yelling for my fellow intern as we sprint down the hall, trying to figure out where in the world Ampe just went and where the latest incident might have been. 

Now. I fully understand that I'm not using a picture of a yeast spill on the roof... or some chemical spill by the tanker... This picture is of the individuals searching for bomb remnants from Tuesday's attack. There is still human blood dried onto the concrete sidewalk. Echos of screams have yet to dissipate from the air and there still exists fear, pain and loss. Therefore, drooling is probably the incorrect response.

However, the patients are in hospital care, and now it's time for each agency to do it's duty. It just so happens that this job, this part of any emergency response, an integral part of this process, that's what excites me about life, inspires me to continue applying, continue reaching out to the world... continuing hoping for my professional future. Because one day, I want to do that. 

When I love something, it giggles from the tips of my fingers and my eyes glow. I can barely keep the pep out of my step while jumping for joy in an bubbling excitement and desire to share. The smile on my face is the widest it gets, my teeth on display, stifled bursts of laughing disbelief that I'm actually doing something this cool... 

That's how I feel in a suit (which by the way, just adds to the ludicrousness of it all), investigating a problem. That's how I felt cleaning up that accidental hazardous spill at NBB. This is really happening! 

I expect that's a normal response when a journey that began with an accidental book choice more than 10 years ago is finally seeing the fruits of hard labor, ups and downs with belief, and plenty of patience.

5 minutos meditar en la muerte

Once, I truly believed that all headphones are the same. Que realmente, no puedas comprar audífonos malos, especialmente tan malos.

Lesson learned. These headphones are actually terrible, tremendously ruining the quality of music and turning it into noise. Maybe this is what my mom hears when she listened to my rock music back in the day. I mean really, this is terrible. 

When I got here, I was having a particularly excellent day. I was on my way to the bus stop, it was a beautiful morning,  I felt on top of the world. I went through a period of about a week where I listened to Natasha Bedingfield pretty much every day... and I only have 3 or 4 songs of hers so I knew every single word that was going. In all seriousness, there I was, on a beautiful day, half skipping to the bus stop singing "the rest is still unwritten" back in February... and I happened to look down mid-half-skip to see the unmistakable dead body of a cat, eyes open, on its side, like it might have fallen over in place, its fur gangly and straw like, on end... Except for the flies now starting to gather, it might have been Avada Kedavra-ed. I kept half-skipping and didn't really miss a beat. Actually I think the most interesting thing of all of it is how unaffected I was. Hmm, dead cat.

And when I came back at the end of the day, dead cat was gone.

Now this was in front of una casa typically brimming with feline creatures, old, young, flaccos and gordos. So maybe the abundance of the creatures is what made it so passable... maybe it's because I really REALLY don't care for cats (or so I like to tell myself)... I wonder how I would have reacted if it was a dog laying there, eyes open, frozen dead on the sidewalk on my way to school.

But really, I think it was because I was on top of the world,mentally  and emotionally. On top of the world in happiness and peace. A dead body in my path would not bring me down. It didn't.

I can just not figure out the lesson in this experience.

"No sé a dónde va, pero ¿tiene espacio para una alma atribulada más?"

Hoy, en lugar del Face, hablé con mi hermanita y me dio el disco nuevo de un grupo que nos encanta: Fall Out Boy. Planeamos a ir a un concierto este verano y vamos a comprar boletos. Productivo. Estoy muy emocionada a compartir esta parte de mi vida, conciertos y música, con mi hermanita. Es algo que me da fuego y energía. También, en el fin de la conversación  le dije, "Oye, out of all of the psycho little sisters out there, I'm glad I got you." Sipi, lo dije. Es loco como cambia nuestra relación, pero lo amo. Y soy muy agradecida para ella. 

También, hablé con una amiga sobre fe y dios... cosas que antes, nunca le dí mis opiniones, por lo menos nunca tan claramente. No es algo que normalmente hablo... porque de mis experiencias dolorosas  y como rápido puede destruir una amistad. 

De hecho, creo que es la primera vez he hablado con alguien que tiene fe... desde muchos años. Normalmente solo escucho. Cuando hablaba, era con mis compañeros de ciencias hace muchos lunas, hablábamos de los ignorancias de los que tienen fe, las excusas que crean. Ahora, no hablo muy profundamente con nadie sobre este tema... sobre todo porque todavía yo no sé que pienso y mi repuesta defecto es contra, duro y llena de dolor.

El fe en mi vida es extraño. Mi mama, católica. Mi papa, hindú. Con la madurez y compasión finalmente comprendo y escucho a los que tienen fe o religión. Aprendí en una clase que tenemos una razón biológica a creer. Hay una parte del cerebro por este, es parte de nuestra evolución. Cuando lo me di cuento, decidí bueno, podemos creer, es mejor para la vida si creemos en algo - dios, una causa, no lo importa. Para tener fe, una creencia, puede vale la pena a vivir. Cambió mi mente. "Bueno," me dije, "si es algo que nos ayuda en la oportunidad a vivir, si es algo donde encontramos una código de honor y morales, si nos enseña a vivir con amor, puede ser algo bueno." 

Empezaba a darme cuenta que cuando alguien quiere compartir su fe o religión .. especialmente un amigo, es porque te cuidan. Es porque tienen confianza en ti, y porque te quieren. Por lo menos puede ser estas razones y es mas fácil a creer este que el opuesto. 

Finalmente estoy en mi propio proceso con fe y religión. Y he estado desde años. Con este concepto de "energía" "el Universo", como digo... no sé. Queda pensamientos de duda, que sea ciega para creer.  

Hoy decidí que no creo que hay una plana. Creo que cosas pasan, sin intención de algún dios arriba. No es como esa escena en "Johnny Darko" cuando vemos un camino en frente de nosotros que estamos obligado a seguir. Que es el punto si no tenemos el libre albedrío? Es, creo, es la pregunta, la cosa que creo religión puede quitarnos si dependemos tan mucho. Y porque fundamentalmente tengo problemas dando todo mi fe en algo así.

Creo que cosas pasan y hay cosas a aprender de ellas... pero también creo que hay una razón que decimos "actos sin sentido" (de la violencia, por ejemplo). Hay unas cosas que solo no tienen sentido. Sencillo.

Creo que karma opera en este mundo, con mucho fuerzo. Pero pueda pasar durante muchos cursos de vida... que cada persona tiene la opción a hacer decisiones, y cambian el mundo y el camino. No quiero creer que no tenemos esta libertad o que cosas horribles, como Boston, son en la plana de dios. No lo creo. Prefiero que el mundo tiene cosas malas y obscuras sin razón a la opción de algún dios quería el dolor que esas cosas han causado. Es contra la definición de "dios" a mi. 

Deja el concepto que "cada cosa pasa para una razón". Si creo que no hay una plana, creo en este? Nooo séeeee. Creo que puedo creer en señales de "el Universo" "la Energía", equis... porque son cosas que mandan a fomentar nuestras decisiones, este tiene razón a mi.... y no pueden controlar nuestra decisiones entonces necesitan una manera a ayudarnos, si escuchamos. A mi, este tiene mucho razón. Pero la primera cosa? la primera pregunta? Todavía necesito meditar en este.

Ugh. 

Es una conversación que sigue. 

"Oooh, how the mighty fall, the mighty fall... 
Fall in love."

Pensamientos para hoy: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hot-thought/201002/does-everything-happen-reason-0

Una semana desde el principio

Yesterday, two bombs went off in the 2013 Boston Marathon. 

Original estimates were 2 dead with 20+ injured. Today, the count is 3 dead and about 180 injured. The injuries range from leg amputees to scratches and cuts. One of those dead is an 8 year old boy. Another is the granddaughter of someone who loved her. 

The footage from the event is astounding. With the towers, at least when I was 11 and my parents and teachers closely monitored the kind of media I saw, I did not see blood on the streets, bodies of victims in chairs and stretchers and first responders staying in the hot zone to aid all of those wounded. I just saw a plane crash and two towers fall down. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the footage. This feels more real to me. 

I cry for the victims, I cry for Boston, I cry for the world. The duplicity of man, villain and hero, lives on to this day. An ageless story with victims of the physical, mental and emotional sort... 

And once again life is pushing me in a specific direction. The rush of an emergency, the sharp and pressure filled environments to gather information with many holes, make decisions, and act. Act quickly. Be it a hazardous situation, a chemical spill, a bomb... 

The incident management team,first responders, emergency situations. I've gotta do that. I have already claimed mine as a life of service. The problem has been how to beautifully sew service, health and the kind of situation my brain needs to thrive together into a beautiful little package. Hello. Disasters. I go back and forth on what kind of work I want to do with my life. The reason I'm drawn towards Industrial Hygiene is because it makes me think of the IMT at NBB. But really, those two things are entirely unrelated. What I'm looking for is emergency management, disaster prevention. In this field you have human interaction, leadership, quick thinking and response, health sciences, pressure and team work. It's also sexy. And I know who I am. I acknowledge that I thrive and need external approval. This is a sexy field. It's also a dangerous one. Coming from the girl who wanted work in a Level 4 Biozone at the age of 13, I think danger is good in my professional life. And I can still work for the government. FEMA, EPA, CDC, every branch of ever has an emergency management department. I think this is it. I can be international, it can be domestic. It could be in a private company, consulting, governmental, non-profit. There's flexibility within this field. It's the 2nd in the list of public health careers. Yup. 

I've found it. Now what do I do with it. How do I get there?

I've figured out the first step, right? 

And when I want something, I have "a particularly excellent way of manifesting it". Meaning, I just keep trying until it happens. 

In a disgusting and twisted way, with the sacrifice of many on my mind, I have been given me this thought: this is the most peaceful I've felt in weeks. 

Sin Face, d'ia uno.

It's like I grew up and moved on. Like what was is now gone. And here I am and there you are. And in between is really far. 

Yeah THAT gem came out of my fingers as a facebook post before I decided I'd had enough of the damn thing for a month. So. Once again I find myself in a 30 day no facebook challenge.

Wish me luck.

Day 1. I mean. Officially that's tomorrow. Or today. I guess it's 2 hours into today. And it's been no less than 10 minutes since I made this public declaration and I ALREADY want to get back on to see if anyone's noticed my status, or commitment, or if they have opinions...

or if anyone cares.

It's a dull and empty replacement for true companionship, the "like" button... a "comment" or a "post".

I just thought about writing a poem about the like button. #timeforbed